Recently, I spent an evening with some friends. We spent hours catching up and talking about our lives, struggles, kids, work, and more. Somehow we got on the topic of friendships with other women. We all agreed that having friendships with other women is extremely important — a priority even — but we also agreed that cultivating those friendships is difficult. One friend even said she feels like it is impossible.
I left that evening a little discouraged, but it got me thinking. How can we, as Christian women, make this easier? I’ve mulled over this question and have come up with four things we can do.
1. Be Willing
With a church and community as large as ours is, it’s hard to find and connect with other women. We see them in passing, but actually forming a relationship with them seems impossible. Social anxieties, different personalities, and seasons of life just add to our isolation.
But, we need to be willing to seek out opportunities to meet other women and be willing to show up when we find those opportunities. Several times a year, Clear Creek launches multiple women’s groups. Step out of your comfort zone and join one! I’ve been in multiple small groups, but until recently I had never been in a women’s small group. It has been life-changing! I’ve enjoyed reading the Bible with other women and doing life with them!
A couple times a year, each campus hosts gatherings for the women of their campus. This is another perfect opportunity to meet other women and connect! If you’re already in a couple’s small group or if you serve in a ministry, plan a girl’s night! Find opportunities to connect with the women around you. And be persistent. You won’t always connect with the women around you on the first, second, or even third attempt. But, keep trying. We’ve already established that community is important for every single one of us, so eventually you will connect with someone. Don’t give up!
2. Be Present and Be Vulnerable
Once you do have women in your life, be present. Text them, call them, and communicate regularly. Ask questions about their life and their struggles, and, most importantly, listen without judgment. Sometimes, we just need to show up. We don’t have to say anything profound or even offer advice. We just need to be there.
Several of my friends mentioned that fear is the hardest part of making friendships with other women. Fear comes in all shapes and sizes: fear of not fitting in, fear of what others will think of you, fear of not not being perfect, fear of being left out, fear of not looking a certain way, and much more. But, instead of being fearful, we need to be vulnerable.
No one is perfect. No one. We all have flaws. We’re all sinful. Once we realize this, we can let our guard down. We no longer have to fake it and pretend that we’re perfect. We no longer have to strive. Being vulnerable leads to transparency. It leads to a place of intimacy and rest — a place where we can be fully known and fully loved. This is what true friendship looks like.
3. Be Gracious
Not only do we need to be open and honest, but we also need to gracious. We need to accept others into our circle, even if they don’t outwardly seem to fit. We need to be quick to forgive and slow to judge.
If a friend cancels on your lunch plans at the last minute, don’t take it personally; show grace. She might be dealing with some social anxieties or family responsibilities of her own. If a friend doesn’t respond to a text or call right away, show grace. She might be swamped at work or chasing 3 toddlers around. If a friend upsets you with a comment in a text or it feels like she has left you out, talk to her. She probably did not mean to hurt you. Be slow to anger and quick to forgive.
4. Be Intentional
Friendships do not happen on their own. They take hard work, time, and commitment. They won’t happen without intentionality.
Make a standing appointment with your friends. Maybe it’s every other week or once monthly. You have to decide what is best for your lifestyle. But, whatever you decide, put it on the calendar each month or it won’t happen.
We’re all busy. Every month we overfill our calendars with appointments, tasks, and to-do lists, until our days are bursting at the seams. We don’t have a moment to spare. And then we look up and the month is gone and it’s time to fill up the next one. So, make plans now! Don’t wait!
My family knows I go away one weekend in the fall and one weekend in the spring with other women to a Christian women’s conference. This is a standing “appointment” — something I do every year. It’s time I get to connect with God without my daily distractions and it’s time for fellowship with other women. I return home refreshed, restored (spiritually, mentally, and physically), and in a place to love others well.
And you don’t need to feel guilty about making these plans. God designed us for community, so we shouldn’t feel guilty for living in a way that God designed.
Lastly, be the friend the woman next to you needs — the friend you need.
Sit and listen. Ask tough questions and say hard things. Most importantly, don’t just give advice. Instead, point each other back to the truths of the Bible. Point each other back to Jesus. Pray with each other. Love each other well.